Flower Girl Freak Outs and Ring Bearer Ruckus

Stress

KidsHealth describes stress as “a function of the demands placed on us and our ability to meet them. These demands often come from outside sources, such as family, jobs, friends, or school. But it also can come from within, often related to what we think we should be doing versus what we’re actually able to do” (Childhood Stress (for Parents) – Nemours KidsHealth)

How does this apply to our little attendants?

Sometimes our little ones (or big ones!) don’t feel adequate to live up to the expectations put on them by the situation or by their own expectations of how they should be performing their important role in the wedding. They might not even realize this themselves or if they do, they haven’t yet learned how to verbalize it.

Weddings also come packed with emotions and stressors which our children might not know how to interpret, yet, as little sponges, they soak in. They naturally pick up on emotions, especially those of their parents, including stress (even positive stress). Erin Lebya, Ph.D, a licensed social worker, said “multiple research studies on emotional contagion have found that it only takes milliseconds for emotions like enthusiasm and joy, as well as sadness, fear, and anger, to pass from person to person” (Leyba, 2017). Why is mommy (happy) crying? Why is daddy rushing around carrying lots of stuff? Why is that lady over there yelling that something needs to be put somewhere else? All of this can build up in a child and leave them feeling on edge.

Additionally, if we’re not paying attention, we can miss signs of stress in our children because things that are stressful to them might not seem stressful to us and thus aren’t even on our radar to help counteract for them.

KidsHealth continues “while it’s not always easy to recognize when kids are stressed out, short-term behavioral changes — such as mood swings, acting out, changes in sleep patterns, or bedwetting — can be indications. Some kids have physical effects, including stomachaches and headaches. … younger children may pick up new habits like thumb sucking, hair twirling, or nose picking; older kids may begin to lie, bully, or defy authority” (Childhood Stress (for Parents) – Nemours KidsHealth). Have you noticed upticks of these behaviors in your kids at times? Probably! And if you see them surface again close to or on the big day, it might be time to take a step back and help them work through their stressors.

Overstimulation

“Overstimulation happens when children are swamped by more experiences, sensations, noise and activity than they can cope with.

“For example, a newborn baby might get very unsettled after a party where they’ve been cuddled by a lot of grown-ups [um, yup! Weddings and “pass around the baby”…100%!] A preschooler might have a tantrum after a big event like a birthday party [or a wedding, yes?] A school-age child might be cranky if they go to school, then after-school care and then a swimming lesson [or, for example, a car/plane trip, then a rehearsal, then a hotel, and then a full day of wedding festivities].” (Overstimulation: Babies and Children, 2020).

There’s a lot going on with weddings and it’s very easy to get overstimulated-no matter your age! Weddings come with lots of energy, lights, colors, smells, motion and sounds. There’s dancing, decorations, music, fancy (itchy?) clothing, rich foods, new people, new buildings, crowds. As adults we hopefully know our own limits and can step out for a moment or know how to take some re-centering breathes. Our children are still learning to recognize this in themselves and need our help to re-organize themselves and to take mental or physical breaks from the stimulus.

Another form of overstimulation can occur from too much screen time. We’ve all done it and will probably continue to do it: use a screen as a babysitter or as a quick-fix to keep our kids quiet and contained. Often times weddings come with long stretches of “boring” social functions and so our kids are given a screen to help pass the time. Too much screen time can do similar things to our kids’ brains as all the sights and sounds and newness of a big event. Screen time might get our kids be quiet but it generally doesn’t help them to mentally and emotionally re-center. And we’ve all seen the lovely meltdowns that come with the end of screen time…yeah…no fun.

Our little people’s nervous systems can quickly be thrown out of whack by all of this and it can seem out of their control to be able to do anything about it. Their coping and protective mechanisms? Anything they can do to try to feel in control! Hiding, hitting, yelling, being obstinate, tantrums, and so on. Sometimes those adverse reactions to the stimulus around them can all come to a head right when they have a role to play in your wedding. We can help them “when we build in plenty of quiet time, playtime, and rest time” (Leyba, 2017), even during (especially during) these busy (and overstimulating) events.

State Dysregulation

Closely related to overstimulation is state regulation. This involves all the internal functions of our body and mind and how they influence our moods and ability to interact with those around us.

Many of the variables listed above factor into our kids’ internal state and its level of regulation or dysregulation. Other factors involved in their state regulation can include:

• Being hyped-up on sugar and other rich foods – in addition to the obvious hyper-activity that comes from this, a child might develop a headache or tummy-ache and not yet have the experience to know where it’s coming from; they might be less supervised and be helping themselves to more foods that you realize or than they typically get; relatives might try to be helpful and give them food that you’re not aware they received; often more junk food is kicking around at events like weddings
• Illness – a low level pain or “icky-ness” might be pushed out of the child’s mind as they are so excited by the events around them, cousin time, etc. However, this low level pain is still impacting their thresholds and tolerance levels for tiredness or not getting their way
• Lack of sleep – you might have traveled to a different time zone, nap and bed schedule might have been thrown off due to wedding events, sleep might have come later than usual due to your child being so worked up and excited by all the energy of the event or from being in a new place to sleep. Sleep deprivation can vastly impact your child’s patience and ability to cope with their big emotions
• Being hangry – so hungry that you become angry or grumpy – our children don’t know their hunger cues as well as adults do; they don’t know how to easily find food when they’re out of their home environment; and/or they aren’t eating at their regular meal times due to the wedding schedule. This can quickly lead to dysregulation
• Antsy-ness – often our little people are unaccustomed to attending “sit still and be quiet” events and they’re asked to do that a lot during these “big people” events. “Kids have a developmental need for tons of movement….to spend time outside, ride bikes and scooters, do rough and tumble play, crawl under things, swing from things, jump off things…”(Leyba, 2017) and all of this pent up energy might just come bursting forth when you least desire it.

“Little kids are affected tenfold by such “core conditions” of being tired, hungry, thirsty, over-sugared, or sick” says Leyba. Since they often don’t have the cognitive space to understand that themselves or the physical ability to change their situation with a quick nap or snack, we can help them to have regulated states by, as much as possible, sticking to their normal schedules for sleep, play, and food or by sneaking these needs into their day around the wedding schedule whenever possible.