After School Meltdowns: It’s Not Just Your Kid

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“My child was never a perfect angel, but ever since school started, there’s been a noticeable increase in negative behaviors! What’s going on?!”

It’s been more or less a month since school started, depending on your district, region, country. And maybe you’re experiencing something similar to the above statement yourself. I know I have! For me, it was more noticeable a few years ago, during my son’s first year of preschool. He’s more used to the routine now but his post-school behavior can still be different than his behavior at other times of the day or on days when he doesn’t have school.

So, what’s going on? Why is your kid and mine acting so differently after school? Is something horrible happening at school? (Maybe. Trust your mama gut if you feel something significant might be happening.) But, more commonly, it’s likely After-School Restraint Collapse.

After-School Restraint Collapse

After-School Restraint Collapse is a phenomenon that involves an increase in negative, acting-out style behaviors and occurs after situations that require a child to be particularly well-behaved. And while school is one common contributor to this behavior, it can also manifest after church, daycare, a wedding or funeral, babysitters, or other long period of time where your child has been holding back their energy and emotions.

Why does this happen? Well, your child has spent a good portion of the day trying to be on their best behavior. Add to that, during the first few weeks of school they have some level of social inhibition holding them back from acting out around a new adult authority figure in their life. (i.e. They haven’t yet gotten to the point in the school year where they’re testing their teacher’s boundaries).

Additionally, your child might be feeling worried about being away from you. They may feel detached and emotionally vulnerable. They aren’t able to control their day or many of their actions while in school. They might be trying to make new friends. There’s a lot of new experiences and feelings associated with a new school year!

All of this mental, emotional, and physical energy is building up throughout their day. When they get home, they’re finally around a person they’re fully comfortable with. And the dam breaks free. All the stressors and emotions of the day get to come loose on, you guessed it, you.

What does After-School Restraint Collapse Look Like?

No child (or adult for that matter) is completely free of grumpiness, bad-moods, or even tantrums. The difference with after-school restraint collapse is the timing and intensity. Grumpiness, moodiness, tiredness, and hunger all crash together after school in a more intense melt-down than typical.

Psychologist Dr. Nancy Brooks explains that with after-school restraint collapse, your child “will act younger than their age and whine, cry, throw tantrums, act needy, moody and generally have a meltdown. They will look and behave as if they are exhausted” (Marcoux, 2023). Another psychologist, Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, states that your children might even seem angry at you. They might be emotionally distant, call you names, or physically push you away (Marcoux, 2023).

The Silver Lining

If your child is experiencing after-school restraint collapse and you’re beyond frustrated with it, please know 1) you’re not alone and 2) it’s actually a good thing. By definition, after-school restraint collapse occurs when a child is back in a safe place. So, if you’re seeing signs of it, then congratulations! Your child feels safe around you. Your child knows that you’ll have their back (even if you’re grumpy yourself why doing so).

What You Can Do to Help Alleviate After-School Restraint Collapse

Most of the time your child won’t recognize or be able to verbalize why they’re feeling so miserable after school. But you can pick up their signals and help them cope better with a few tips from Motherly

• Fill up their emotional cup before the separation
  Plan a bit of extra time in the morning before drop off to connect with your child
  
• Let them know you’re connected even when you’re not together
  Create a tradition such as a kissing hand to help your child feel close to you throughout the day
  
• Send a piece of you with them to school
  A note in their lunch, a picture of your family in their backpack or a special necklace that symbolizes your love can help your child recenter while at school
  
• Help them let it out
  Allow your child the space to have a “fall apart” when they get home, encourage it, let them know its ok and even healthy to do so
  
• Once at home, take things slow
  Don’t jump straight into homework or questions about school, give your child time to relax and decompress with a snack, physical activity, and/or time alone

If you’re curious to know more about these tips, find the full article here.

Also know that after-school restraint collapse general lessens as the school year proceeds. Your child gets more used to their teacher and their schedule. They also learn through daily repetition that you are always there for them at the end of the day. They recognize that you’re their rock and you’re not going anywhere, which lessens their worry and emotional burdens throughout the day.

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Hopefully this post helps to lessen your worries about your child’s current up-tick in less-regulated behaviors. Know that you’re doing a good job mama (or papa, or nana, or sis). Keep up the good work!

Until next time, Happy Parenting!

xoxoxo, Briana

As an Amazon Affiliate, I may receive a commission, at no additional cost to you, if you use one of the provided Amazon links. All opinions shared are my own. You can review my full privacy policy here. Thank you for supporting Parenting on a Rollercoaster through your purchases.

Hello! I’m Briana!